So remember that post that I wrote about how I miss photography and writing? Remember how I said that I used to write as a way to figure out my emotions? Well it’s about 5 minutes after I posted that, and I’m feeling like I need to figure out my emotions right now. I feel like my life for the past year has been full of so much change. The whole university thing, moving to Toronto, living by myself, getting a job, everything. And I’ve just been going with the flow, adapting to the changes like I usually do, not really noticing. But going back through my old flickr and thinking about where I was in my life all those years ago has really made me think about who I’ve become and how different my life is now. It’s a little scary.
For the past little while, whenever I think about my future, I can see two very different futures, in both of which I’d be happy. The first is a life where I’m a model, or a blogger, or a youtuber, who has a big online presence and does glamorous things and travels all over the world. In this life I live in a cute little studio apartment in Toronto or London, with a cat, and I wear makeup and do my hair most days and overall look cute. In this life I work hard, but I love my work, and my work inspires and challenges me. In this life I go shopping and drink starbucks and wear heels and have a lot of twitter followers. In this life I am happy.
And then the second possible future, which is oh so very different. In this future I am a fiction writer, and spend my days curled up at my computer, putting all of these story ideas in my head onto paper. In this life I live on a farm with horses and cats and a husband who loves me very much. In this life I enjoy visiting the city and drinking starbucks but prefer being outside in nature and not relying on materialistic things to make me happy. In this life I read books instead of going on social media, and maybe I still have my blog, but I don’t care about follower counts or site views. In this life I travel to visit historical places that interest me, and I don’t try hard to look good on most days. In this life I am happy.
See? Two very different futures, two very different Simones. But when I think of those futures, they’re still far away from the present. And until tonight, my idea of the near future was just one future. In this near future, I finish my summer job in mid-August, and fly off to the UK in mid-September. In this life I decide to give YouTube a try, and I vlog my trip to the UK. In this life I make videos and write blog posts and share all of my life experiences online. In this life I live and work in the UK for some time, trying out a few different jobs and travelling and learning about myself. In this life I am happy.
But then tonight, something happened that made me not want this future anymore. I don’t know what or how or why anything that has happened today has brought about this change, but I don’t like it and I don’t know if it is going to stay. I just feel like suddenly I don’t care about making youtube videos or being famous on the internet or being a vlogger or anything. I just want to get back into writing and photography and somehow those two things are related? Maybe I’m just freaking out about change and would rather fall back on the familiar mediums of words and pictures rather than delving into the unknown world of video. But maybe this is my brain’s way of saying ‘don’t let these outside influences tell you what you should do. listen to yourself and your passions’. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow more confused than ever.
I think I liked it better when I didn’t have feelings that I need to write down to figure out.
I’m going to schedule this post for a week from now, because I just posted that other post 15 minutes ago, and just in case I decide that I don’t want to post this.